Quick Jokes

[Beefy]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[Beefy]

A mother, cleaning her son's room, finds an S&M magazine under the bed.

Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.

"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"

"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."

[Chewy]

there good to say you tell some crap ones at the table

[Beefy]

They have decided to change the map of the world. The North Pole will remain at the top, The South Pole will stay at the bottom and all the other poles will be in England.

[Beefy]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at

him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place

where he knows her from.



So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the

father of one of my kids.'



Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been

unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that

I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner

whipped my butt with wet celery???'



She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Beefy]

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick crap... How about yourself?'

The next thing i heard him say was ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some **** in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'

[Beefy]

A woman buys a pair of crotch-less panties to spice up her married life
husband comes in from work to find her in the panties on the sofa
wife says " do you fancy a bit of this?"
The husband replies "HELL NO! look what its done to your knickers"

[Beefy]

Tom, a loving husband, was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under six seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."
The next morning, Tom got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Tom is not yet well enough to have visitors.

[Beefy]

My wife was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

[Beefy]

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.